We've been back in America for 8 months now.
Our whole family struggled through adjusting back, but I would say and I think Matt would agree; I took it the hardest.
This is pretty normal for me, I just don't adjust easily to new things.
On one hand I love new things and crave change, but when it comes to living it out, I tend to have a temper tantrum and cling to my old ideas of what is good.
So when we came back I struggled and I cried, A LOT.
Change means loss and loss is painful. Letting go is painful.
I was 9 years old when God told me I was going to China to be a missionary. For so many years I fought that and then after finally choosing to say yes to China I then had to wait for the right time. I was 24 when Matt and I moved our two small girls across the ocean; Sydney was 2 and a half and Aubrey 3 months.
I went expecting huge things, but was sorely disapointed with our less than spiritual lives. I learned how to speak Chinese, how to ride the bus and hail a cab. I took my daughter to school and picked her up. I learned how to cook and where to buy butter. Really though, my life wasn't anything special.
However, after time passed I began to see all the huge things God was doing; in me. I was growing, changing and maturing. I became more of who I was meant to be in China.
So when God started showing us that our time there was over, I felt heartbroken. It felt so unfinished. It felt like we hadn't completed our mission; whatever it may have been.
Sometimes we have to let things die if we want to see new life.
And so in these last 8 months I've struggled to let China go and make room for what is next. China left it's mark on me and whenever I think of it I'm sure it will bring sweet memories.
The thing I didn't realize back 22 years ago, when God first spoke to me, was that China was just one of the chapters, not the whole book.
And so now we are moving on to another chapter of our story. This chapter begins in Colorado Springs, where we'll continue to work with YWAM.
God has led us to this place and we go with peace and excitement knowing that our adventure continues. Only God knows what's in store, but I have come to the place where I can let go of what's behind and take hold of what's ahead.
We have three more weeks here in Rapid City and then we'll be moving. We're still not sure of where we'll be living so we would appreciate prayers for God's perfect provision.
Thanks for sharing in our adventure.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Anger; My Enemy
I have struggled with anger.
I don't think that that's a statement that a lot of people make openly.
And why not?
Because it's shameful. It's a reminder of how broken we are and most the time we don't like to be reminded of our brokenness or our failures.
We would rather keep those sides of us hidden in the dark, away from attention and what probably most of us believe will be oncoming judgment or rejection.
So we don't talk about our faults, instead we keep them hidden away from the light, when the light is the one thing that will bring us healing.
Anger started rearing it's ugly head in my teens, but any time I had an explosion I was drunk or on drugs. So I was convinced it wasn't me.
Then I got married at the young age of 20. Twenty years old; I was a baby. I knew nothing about real life or marriage or the pressures that Matt and I would face.
Lucky me.
Anger didn't take long to show up.
Marriage has a way of exposing those broken places in us, doesn't it?
I remember that first bad fight about one or two months in when I threw a spoon across the room and it got stuck in the wall.
Yea.
Anger can be like being drunk. You cause so much destruction and then it's like you wake up out of a daze shocked at the scene around you.
I battled my anger alone for a long time. Always making excuses, always telling myself that it was normal, although I knew it wasn't.
It was like I had a little red button that said "don't push" and if it ever got pushed you had better get out of the way.
I grew up around rage and seeing it in myself was painful.
The pain I was capable of causing shocked me. I couldn't believe that this was me.
It was a very painful time.
But finally I started talking.
It was hard.
It was hard to talk about who I was behind closed doors. It was shameful, but I was sick of hiding this dark secret.
It didn't come out all at once or with one person for a long time, but I slowly started revealing my struggle with anger.
I began to dig into a deep place in myself: a place that was filled with a lot of pain and the more I dealt with the pain the more the anger lost it's control over me.
I've come to believe that anger is just a disguise for pain. That red button the one that said "don't push" was actually pain.
Bringing my struggle to the light was the best decision I have ever made because darkness loses it's grip in the light.
Conquering anger has been a 10 year battle for me, but I can SEE the freedom that I am finding. I can see the healing that has happened in my heart one day at a time.
I know that the journey isn't over, but I have found the tools to help me walk in freedom.
Some people might wonder why the heck I would share such personal things on such a public forum. Well I share because I was there and I know the darkness, I know the feeling of hopelessness that can be so all consuming. Feeling alone really is the worst feeling in the world.
I have found hope and freedom and I want to let others know that there is hope. Maybe your struggle isn't anger, maybe it's porn or fear or depression or self hatred or any other thing that steals your joy.
I want to encourage you; TALK TO SOMEONE. Find someone to share with. Even if all the voices in your head tell you that they will condemn you, judge you, or reject you. Fight against those voices and share your struggle with someone. Maybe a friend, a parent, a pastor, but share with someone.
We weren't meant to journey alone in our struggle. We are all struggling with something, so whatever your struggle is you need to know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
In the end though I believe the only one who can offer complete healing and freedom is Jesus. I would have NEVER found freedom without him.
Isaiah 61
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners"
God is the one who longs for you and me to be free from our broken hearts and the darkness that tries to take control of our lives. So turn to someone, but ultimately we need him to intervene on our behalf; which he promises to do when we invite him.
I don't think that that's a statement that a lot of people make openly.
And why not?
Because it's shameful. It's a reminder of how broken we are and most the time we don't like to be reminded of our brokenness or our failures.
We would rather keep those sides of us hidden in the dark, away from attention and what probably most of us believe will be oncoming judgment or rejection.
So we don't talk about our faults, instead we keep them hidden away from the light, when the light is the one thing that will bring us healing.
Anger started rearing it's ugly head in my teens, but any time I had an explosion I was drunk or on drugs. So I was convinced it wasn't me.
Then I got married at the young age of 20. Twenty years old; I was a baby. I knew nothing about real life or marriage or the pressures that Matt and I would face.
Lucky me.
Anger didn't take long to show up.
Marriage has a way of exposing those broken places in us, doesn't it?
I remember that first bad fight about one or two months in when I threw a spoon across the room and it got stuck in the wall.
Yea.
Anger can be like being drunk. You cause so much destruction and then it's like you wake up out of a daze shocked at the scene around you.
I battled my anger alone for a long time. Always making excuses, always telling myself that it was normal, although I knew it wasn't.
It was like I had a little red button that said "don't push" and if it ever got pushed you had better get out of the way.
I grew up around rage and seeing it in myself was painful.
The pain I was capable of causing shocked me. I couldn't believe that this was me.
It was a very painful time.
But finally I started talking.
It was hard.
It was hard to talk about who I was behind closed doors. It was shameful, but I was sick of hiding this dark secret.
It didn't come out all at once or with one person for a long time, but I slowly started revealing my struggle with anger.
I began to dig into a deep place in myself: a place that was filled with a lot of pain and the more I dealt with the pain the more the anger lost it's control over me.
I've come to believe that anger is just a disguise for pain. That red button the one that said "don't push" was actually pain.
Bringing my struggle to the light was the best decision I have ever made because darkness loses it's grip in the light.
Conquering anger has been a 10 year battle for me, but I can SEE the freedom that I am finding. I can see the healing that has happened in my heart one day at a time.
I know that the journey isn't over, but I have found the tools to help me walk in freedom.
Some people might wonder why the heck I would share such personal things on such a public forum. Well I share because I was there and I know the darkness, I know the feeling of hopelessness that can be so all consuming. Feeling alone really is the worst feeling in the world.
I have found hope and freedom and I want to let others know that there is hope. Maybe your struggle isn't anger, maybe it's porn or fear or depression or self hatred or any other thing that steals your joy.
I want to encourage you; TALK TO SOMEONE. Find someone to share with. Even if all the voices in your head tell you that they will condemn you, judge you, or reject you. Fight against those voices and share your struggle with someone. Maybe a friend, a parent, a pastor, but share with someone.
We weren't meant to journey alone in our struggle. We are all struggling with something, so whatever your struggle is you need to know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
In the end though I believe the only one who can offer complete healing and freedom is Jesus. I would have NEVER found freedom without him.
Isaiah 61
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners"
God is the one who longs for you and me to be free from our broken hearts and the darkness that tries to take control of our lives. So turn to someone, but ultimately we need him to intervene on our behalf; which he promises to do when we invite him.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
The Restoration of Rest
Psalm 91:1 "Whoever dwells in the in the shelter of the most High will rest in the shadow of the almighty."
Psalm 23:2 " The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."
Being where we are in this season I have found 'rest' and 'not wanting' difficult things to comprehend. By nature I am not good at resting, I'm much better at working and getting things done by myself, or at least that's what I tell myself. Yea, good one Heather.
Yesterday we celebrated Fathers Day a day late by going out to Devils Tower and a near by reservoir to enjoy the country and make some fun memories. We had an amazing time together. It's been raining a ton here in South Dakota so everything is green and beautiful. I've never thought of South Dakota as beautiful, but everywhere I looked made me feel like I was seeing a little bit of Heaven.
In one place we drove past a field that was filled with sheep. There were sheep everywhere and there were a few that were laying down in green grass with a stream near by. It was truly beautiful and seeing it made these verses come to life for me.
The sheep looked so peaceful not at all worried or anxious or running around trying to figure out their lives. Nope, they were just resting, not wanting anything, but resting.
Oh to be a sheep, right!? To be able to tune out all of our responsibilities and worries and fears and just rest.
It's amazing how something so simple becomes so complicated. We fight against it like it's our job. Or if you're like me you feel completely guilty and useless if you stop for one minute.
God had to know how hard it would be for us, didn't he? He had to know that we would struggle with the concept of resting and that's why it says "He makes me lie down...". Or maybe it's more He invites me...?
God has been inviting me to rest. To stop trying to work it out, to stop trying to figure it out, to stop being fearful and filled with anxiety and to just rest!
Our culture has filled us with so many lies, a couple of my favorites are 'God meets you half way' or 'You do your part and he'll do his'. I'm sorry, but no! He comes the whole way and holds out his hand and says "Come and rest."
Today I really feel like he's not just speaking to me, but to you saying "Won't you come and rest. Won't you let me work it out? Stop trying to make it work in your own power, let me take care of it."
What is it that you're trying to work out in your own power?
It's never easy, but I know that God is so glorified when we say yes to trusting him and resting. So today I choose that.
Psalm 23:2 " The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."
Being where we are in this season I have found 'rest' and 'not wanting' difficult things to comprehend. By nature I am not good at resting, I'm much better at working and getting things done by myself, or at least that's what I tell myself. Yea, good one Heather.
Yesterday we celebrated Fathers Day a day late by going out to Devils Tower and a near by reservoir to enjoy the country and make some fun memories. We had an amazing time together. It's been raining a ton here in South Dakota so everything is green and beautiful. I've never thought of South Dakota as beautiful, but everywhere I looked made me feel like I was seeing a little bit of Heaven.
In one place we drove past a field that was filled with sheep. There were sheep everywhere and there were a few that were laying down in green grass with a stream near by. It was truly beautiful and seeing it made these verses come to life for me.
The sheep looked so peaceful not at all worried or anxious or running around trying to figure out their lives. Nope, they were just resting, not wanting anything, but resting.
Oh to be a sheep, right!? To be able to tune out all of our responsibilities and worries and fears and just rest.
It's amazing how something so simple becomes so complicated. We fight against it like it's our job. Or if you're like me you feel completely guilty and useless if you stop for one minute.
God had to know how hard it would be for us, didn't he? He had to know that we would struggle with the concept of resting and that's why it says "He makes me lie down...". Or maybe it's more He invites me...?
God has been inviting me to rest. To stop trying to work it out, to stop trying to figure it out, to stop being fearful and filled with anxiety and to just rest!
Our culture has filled us with so many lies, a couple of my favorites are 'God meets you half way' or 'You do your part and he'll do his'. I'm sorry, but no! He comes the whole way and holds out his hand and says "Come and rest."
Today I really feel like he's not just speaking to me, but to you saying "Won't you come and rest. Won't you let me work it out? Stop trying to make it work in your own power, let me take care of it."
What is it that you're trying to work out in your own power?
It's never easy, but I know that God is so glorified when we say yes to trusting him and resting. So today I choose that.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Overcoming Insecurity
From a very young age I remember feeling a sense that I wasn't special. I think my first memories start in the second grade. There were these two girls that were best buddies and I so badly wanted to be friends with them, but I always felt like I was on the outside. I remember one of them allowed me to color with her crayons, but then got mad at me for 'coloring too hard'. I compared myself to them and felt like I never measured up. It's almost unbelievable to me that at the young age of 7 I was already very aware of what insecurity was. Of course I didn't know the name for it, but the feelings were already very developed. In every grade it was the same story, there were always 'those girls' that I compared myself to, that I wanted to be, but was never good enough for. It was something I battled silently, alone.
In high school my battle only increased; I would do ANYTHING to be liked, accepted, included. I had no self worth that was not given to me by people. I did a lot of things in those years that were soul killing, almost like I gave my soul away in exchange for love, or what I perceived to be love.
God did a lot of miracles to get me out of that deep, dark place. He brought change and healing that were supernatural. It's a journey though; often healing is a long, long road.
After high school I decided to go to YWAM (Youth With A Mission) as penance for my crimes. I thought "Ok God I'll give you this time, but then I want my life back". Well, we all know that's a joke. My life got changed and I knew that I wasn't going anywhere and then to top it all off I fell in love.
So I became a missionary and got married, I had it all together.....or not. Matt and I's first year of marriage was a train wreck. Now Matt is not perfect and he has his issues like anyone, but I can tell you that that first year was ALL me. I thought marriage would cure me and my pain. No more value problems, my husband said I had value. No more insecurity, I was wanted. Except it wasn't enough...still. Here I was a MISSIONARY and a wife and my heart was empty and hurting.
I remember the first time it came to a head we were in China, it was Dec. 2004 and I was having PROBLEMS. We were assistant leaders on this trip with maybe 10 students and I caused more problems than any of the students. I was a mess of insecurity. If anything marriage and missions only brought my insecurity out of hiding. I was constantly afraid that my husband was looking at other women. If he looked sideways I was there to point a finger in his face and cause a big scene. Embarrassing, I know. Finally our leaders sat us down and confronted me and my problems. After some investigating our leader, the husband of the two, said "Heather you have pride"
WHAT?? I've just poured my heart out to you about my pain and insecurities and you want to say I have pride!?? I know the thoughts I was thinking in that moment weren't pleasant.
He then went on to explain his diagnosis. God says you are perfect, but you have lifted your opinion of yourself above his saying 'No, I'm not perfect, I'm garbage' and that is pride.
I continue to struggle with insecurity, but 10 years ago I learned that the tree is insecurity, but the root is pride. My struggle comes and goes and there are times when it's almost not even there, but lately I've been battling. Once again feeling like I'm not enough; not wanted or valued. So yesterday I was spending time with Jesus and asking him to speak to me about how he sees me and he said "Heather you are magnificent" The meaning for magnificent is 'impressively beautiful, elaborate, extravagant; striking. And guess what? That is who I am.
My way of overcoming insecurity is by saying "YES this is TRUE". Today take a minute to ask your Daddy God how he sees you and then do something amazing, BELIEVE what he says.
We can journey together in this battle and we can win when we choose to believe truth. I have not arrived in this. I'm still a mess of insecurity a lot of days, but I'm growing, changing and learning who I truly am more every day.
In high school my battle only increased; I would do ANYTHING to be liked, accepted, included. I had no self worth that was not given to me by people. I did a lot of things in those years that were soul killing, almost like I gave my soul away in exchange for love, or what I perceived to be love.
God did a lot of miracles to get me out of that deep, dark place. He brought change and healing that were supernatural. It's a journey though; often healing is a long, long road.
After high school I decided to go to YWAM (Youth With A Mission) as penance for my crimes. I thought "Ok God I'll give you this time, but then I want my life back". Well, we all know that's a joke. My life got changed and I knew that I wasn't going anywhere and then to top it all off I fell in love.
So I became a missionary and got married, I had it all together.....or not. Matt and I's first year of marriage was a train wreck. Now Matt is not perfect and he has his issues like anyone, but I can tell you that that first year was ALL me. I thought marriage would cure me and my pain. No more value problems, my husband said I had value. No more insecurity, I was wanted. Except it wasn't enough...still. Here I was a MISSIONARY and a wife and my heart was empty and hurting.
I remember the first time it came to a head we were in China, it was Dec. 2004 and I was having PROBLEMS. We were assistant leaders on this trip with maybe 10 students and I caused more problems than any of the students. I was a mess of insecurity. If anything marriage and missions only brought my insecurity out of hiding. I was constantly afraid that my husband was looking at other women. If he looked sideways I was there to point a finger in his face and cause a big scene. Embarrassing, I know. Finally our leaders sat us down and confronted me and my problems. After some investigating our leader, the husband of the two, said "Heather you have pride"
WHAT?? I've just poured my heart out to you about my pain and insecurities and you want to say I have pride!?? I know the thoughts I was thinking in that moment weren't pleasant.
He then went on to explain his diagnosis. God says you are perfect, but you have lifted your opinion of yourself above his saying 'No, I'm not perfect, I'm garbage' and that is pride.
I continue to struggle with insecurity, but 10 years ago I learned that the tree is insecurity, but the root is pride. My struggle comes and goes and there are times when it's almost not even there, but lately I've been battling. Once again feeling like I'm not enough; not wanted or valued. So yesterday I was spending time with Jesus and asking him to speak to me about how he sees me and he said "Heather you are magnificent" The meaning for magnificent is 'impressively beautiful, elaborate, extravagant; striking. And guess what? That is who I am.
My way of overcoming insecurity is by saying "YES this is TRUE". Today take a minute to ask your Daddy God how he sees you and then do something amazing, BELIEVE what he says.
We can journey together in this battle and we can win when we choose to believe truth. I have not arrived in this. I'm still a mess of insecurity a lot of days, but I'm growing, changing and learning who I truly am more every day.
Friday, May 22, 2015
The Waiting Room
I was in Target a few months back and I heard a man speaking Chinese. I followed the voice and was shocked to see a white man on the phone. I stood there starring at him for a minute and then very rudely interrupted by saying "You're speaking Chinese!" He looked at me, nodded his head and went on talking. So I awkwardly waited there for him to get off the phone because when you're in Rapid City, South Dakota and a white guy is speaking Chinese that's what you do. Anyway, he finally got off the phone and he kindly humored me as I pummeled him with questions. The thing that stood out to me about this conversation though was when this kind man said "Yea, we just got back 18 months ago". Wait, what? Just got back? 18 months ago? I'm confused.
When we moved to China I'd say it took 4 years before I really felt at home and the first 2 years were pure hell. I knew there would be transition moving back to America, but it couldn't be that bad, right? I knew it wouldn't be easy. Living overseas you hear a lot about reverse culture shock, (People moving home and struggling to readjust to their own culture) but it had to be better than my transition to China.
After being home for 6 months though I'm beginning to understand why my Target friend said he had just come back after being in the States for 18 months.
Transition is a SLOW process, it's a process of waiting and Waiting is hard stuff.
Since being back I've found myself feeling crabby all the time; depressed even. I just want my life to make sense and yet it feels kinda like treading water without anywhere to put your feet.
We all like sure footing, don't we? We like to have the answers to all life's difficult questions, but most of the time we find ourselves in the waiting room.
Psalm 27:14 "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes wait patiently for the Lord.
During our adoption with Lily I read this verse and it felt like I saw it for the first time. Waiting requires bravery and courage. Who knew!? So if it requires bravery and courage it's must be pretty tough.
So today if you're in the waiting room with me I want to tell you that you are brave and courageous. Second I want to tell you that if it brings out the worst in you you're not alone and that that is it's very purpose. Third I want to tell you that there is grace. So much grace that is covering me and covering you in this very hard thing we are doing.
When we moved to China I'd say it took 4 years before I really felt at home and the first 2 years were pure hell. I knew there would be transition moving back to America, but it couldn't be that bad, right? I knew it wouldn't be easy. Living overseas you hear a lot about reverse culture shock, (People moving home and struggling to readjust to their own culture) but it had to be better than my transition to China.
After being home for 6 months though I'm beginning to understand why my Target friend said he had just come back after being in the States for 18 months.
Transition is a SLOW process, it's a process of waiting and Waiting is hard stuff.
Since being back I've found myself feeling crabby all the time; depressed even. I just want my life to make sense and yet it feels kinda like treading water without anywhere to put your feet.
We all like sure footing, don't we? We like to have the answers to all life's difficult questions, but most of the time we find ourselves in the waiting room.
Psalm 27:14 "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes wait patiently for the Lord.
During our adoption with Lily I read this verse and it felt like I saw it for the first time. Waiting requires bravery and courage. Who knew!? So if it requires bravery and courage it's must be pretty tough.
So today if you're in the waiting room with me I want to tell you that you are brave and courageous. Second I want to tell you that if it brings out the worst in you you're not alone and that that is it's very purpose. Third I want to tell you that there is grace. So much grace that is covering me and covering you in this very hard thing we are doing.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
The Feast of Plenty
Our last couple years in China I longed for America. I missed my family and my culture. I missed grocery stores and Target. I missed blending in and having a car. Really the list could go on and it did, in my head, all the time. I felt like once Lily was adopted and we were in the States our life would be grand.
And now I'm here and I feel all the joy one person could feel in this world......or not.
Truth be told I've struggled to find joy since being home. All the pleasures of America at my fingertips and yet I'm not satisfied. I've questioned God's goodness which is ironic since he's given me everything I've wanted.
But most of the time it feels like it's just not enough, I need more. My needs as a person never end and that is just reality even if I'm the most grateful person on earth I will always be in need of something.
I read once that we're like leaky jars, we get filled up, but then we're empty by the morning. It's always the thing we don't have that we think will satisfy us, isn't it? For me it was America and now I have it, but it leaves me feeling empty.
This is life. It's part of our human condition. Choosing thankfulness always makes things better, but there is still struggle, even in that. Sometimes it takes everything in me to think just one thankful thought.
So where is God in all of this? He must be so disappointed in my failure to be thankful; to be satisfied. My head is full of thoughts like "Why can't I just be happy with all that he has given me, why do I always need more?" I try to convince myself to be better.
But last night I felt him speak something to me. He said "I invite you to my feast of plenty". In one moment my heart issue is revealed. Scarcity. It's kinda like the inner Heather has been called out as a hoarder. I'm looking at life with eyes of scarcity rather than ABUNDANCE!! Isn't that a beautiful word, abundance.
2 Corinthians 9:8 " And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
If I believed this, if I truly knew the feast of plenty that he has prepared for me, I wouldn't be looking for the next thing to bring me happiness. I would know that all of my needs are provided for right here and now.
I'm asking God to change my heart and to give me eyes to see the abundance he has set before me.
And now I'm here and I feel all the joy one person could feel in this world......or not.
Truth be told I've struggled to find joy since being home. All the pleasures of America at my fingertips and yet I'm not satisfied. I've questioned God's goodness which is ironic since he's given me everything I've wanted.
But most of the time it feels like it's just not enough, I need more. My needs as a person never end and that is just reality even if I'm the most grateful person on earth I will always be in need of something.
I read once that we're like leaky jars, we get filled up, but then we're empty by the morning. It's always the thing we don't have that we think will satisfy us, isn't it? For me it was America and now I have it, but it leaves me feeling empty.
This is life. It's part of our human condition. Choosing thankfulness always makes things better, but there is still struggle, even in that. Sometimes it takes everything in me to think just one thankful thought.
So where is God in all of this? He must be so disappointed in my failure to be thankful; to be satisfied. My head is full of thoughts like "Why can't I just be happy with all that he has given me, why do I always need more?" I try to convince myself to be better.
But last night I felt him speak something to me. He said "I invite you to my feast of plenty". In one moment my heart issue is revealed. Scarcity. It's kinda like the inner Heather has been called out as a hoarder. I'm looking at life with eyes of scarcity rather than ABUNDANCE!! Isn't that a beautiful word, abundance.
2 Corinthians 9:8 " And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
If I believed this, if I truly knew the feast of plenty that he has prepared for me, I wouldn't be looking for the next thing to bring me happiness. I would know that all of my needs are provided for right here and now.
I'm asking God to change my heart and to give me eyes to see the abundance he has set before me.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
The Reality of Radical Faith
So in my 'about me' section I happened to mention believing in living a life of radical faith. Someone please tell me why I felt so inclined to make such proclamation? Living a life of radical faith....wow, I was just really going for it, wasn't I?
Here's the truth, I do not, nor will I ever have what it takes to live a life of radical faith. Fact. I am the biggest chicken, control freak, want my ducks in a row girl you will ever meet and yet...I'm never satisfied with that. So I go around yelling things at God like "I surrender all", but then when God takes me at my word and starts asking me to do the things I said I wanted to do, I get SO FRUSTRATED. I start grumbling, "God don't you love me, don't you see the stress I'm under here??"
Radical faith is this awesome idea, but is very inconvenient and extremely uncomfortable. This is the wonderful place that I find myself now. In an inconvenient and uncomfortable situation and the truth is I would really like to recant my words. "God you must have heard me wrong, when I said radical faith what I meant was a FUN 'faith' EXPERIENCE that works out quickly and efficiently".
Working out our faith with fear and trembling is no joke. I want faith to be this feel good situation that makes me feel happy and makes me look good. Gosh, why can't it be like that? Because honestly I don't feel happy, I feel sick to my stomach wondering how the heck all these impossible situations are going to work out.
What are we going to do, where are we going to live, what are we going to do with the kids schooling, just a few of the things that rack my brain daily. And God is showing up, He just sent me to California for an amazing, refreshing vacay. He's provided us a house to live in for the summer. He's provided for us financially, but all I can think is " but what about after the summer God, what then?". His GOODNESS has been flowing over us like a waterfall and yet my heart still fails to trust. My anxiety level is at heart attack level.
So that's my radical faith for you and here's the truth; I can't get there on my own, I can't make my faith grow beyond this flimsy place; that's Gods job. My job is just to keep saying yes. Even when I don't feel it, even when the reality is that my 'radical faith' isn't anything to write home about. So that's what's on my heart today. If you're a praying person and you're reading this, please pray for me, pray for our family. We need our faith to increase. If you're in the same place as me, I'd love to pray for you. You can leave a comment or message me on fb. Love to all you beautiful people and thanks for hearing my heart.
Here's the truth, I do not, nor will I ever have what it takes to live a life of radical faith. Fact. I am the biggest chicken, control freak, want my ducks in a row girl you will ever meet and yet...I'm never satisfied with that. So I go around yelling things at God like "I surrender all", but then when God takes me at my word and starts asking me to do the things I said I wanted to do, I get SO FRUSTRATED. I start grumbling, "God don't you love me, don't you see the stress I'm under here??"
Radical faith is this awesome idea, but is very inconvenient and extremely uncomfortable. This is the wonderful place that I find myself now. In an inconvenient and uncomfortable situation and the truth is I would really like to recant my words. "God you must have heard me wrong, when I said radical faith what I meant was a FUN 'faith' EXPERIENCE that works out quickly and efficiently".
Working out our faith with fear and trembling is no joke. I want faith to be this feel good situation that makes me feel happy and makes me look good. Gosh, why can't it be like that? Because honestly I don't feel happy, I feel sick to my stomach wondering how the heck all these impossible situations are going to work out.
What are we going to do, where are we going to live, what are we going to do with the kids schooling, just a few of the things that rack my brain daily. And God is showing up, He just sent me to California for an amazing, refreshing vacay. He's provided us a house to live in for the summer. He's provided for us financially, but all I can think is " but what about after the summer God, what then?". His GOODNESS has been flowing over us like a waterfall and yet my heart still fails to trust. My anxiety level is at heart attack level.
So that's my radical faith for you and here's the truth; I can't get there on my own, I can't make my faith grow beyond this flimsy place; that's Gods job. My job is just to keep saying yes. Even when I don't feel it, even when the reality is that my 'radical faith' isn't anything to write home about. So that's what's on my heart today. If you're a praying person and you're reading this, please pray for me, pray for our family. We need our faith to increase. If you're in the same place as me, I'd love to pray for you. You can leave a comment or message me on fb. Love to all you beautiful people and thanks for hearing my heart.
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