My True Identity

It's been almost a month and a half since I've last written.....I haven't felt brave lately.

I've been hiding. Not wanting to offer anything, because of the fear that what I offer isn't enough.

We're in a new enviorment, we're the new kid on the block, and it's made me measure myself and my abilities.

And I've decided that I don't measure up to this huge campus full of amazing missionaries.

That's the first time I've said that, admitted it to myself, but I know that's why I've been hiding.

It's crazy how we can feel something so deeply sometimes and not even know that we are carrying this huge weight around; a yoke that doesn't belong on our shoulders.

I've been carrying this yoke of wanting to be accepted in a new place and at the same time afraid that I have nothing to offer.

So then an inner fear or hiding comes telling me I'm not good enough, talented enough, smart enough, or spiritual enough to belong. It tells me I should bury what I have so no one can see, so no one can reject me.

I have been so blessed by this community and I know that this is exactly where we are supposed to be, but to be a part of this place and to thrive I need to shed some lies.

To lay down this heavy yoke and pick up the truth.

The truth being that I am enough! I am good enough, talented enough, smart enough, and more spiritual than I'll ever know this side of heaven.

I have to pick up the truth that my value is only based on my Daddy God's opinion.

We're moving again.....into a very nice place here on base and do you know what I'm feeling about moving into this very nice place.....I don't deserve it.......I haven't earned it......who am I to live in this beautiful apartment....

A word that God spoke over me when I went to the Brave conference in April and then again a couple weeks ago through a sister was the verses in Song of Songs 2:10-13 that says

"Arise my darling, my beautiful one and come with me. See! The winter has past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms it's early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me."

For me this is about my identity. This is about who I am.

God has been asking me to lay down this yoke of lies and to walk into this new place of my true identity.

My old identity is gone, the winter is past; the rains are over and gone. My new identity has come: Flowers appear on the earth.

So I don't just think that this is just for me, but for all of you that have struggled with your identity.

Your Daddy sees you. He wants to take off the heavy burden that you've put on yourself to be enough or maybe that others have put on you.

He is calling you to come with him and see as he see's. To walk into a new place armed with the truth of who he says you are, his darling; his beautiful one.

I know that this is a season of me walking in a new level of truth I haven't known before and I know that he's empowering me and he wants to empower you, his darling, his beautiful one.

Lets together say yes to that truth and lay down our yoke of lies.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas filled up with truth and your true identity.

The Next Level

Well, we moved...again. Except this time it seems a bit on the permanent side.

We got back from China sometime the end of last November which means it's almost been a year! How is that even possible!!?

We came back and spend about 9 days with our very good friends in California. Then we were in Minnesota with Matt's family for about a month. Then we were with my family for 5 months and from there we moved into my brothers house for the summer.

We got here to Colorado Springs at the end of August. We then lived in guest housing for two weeks and then we moved into temporary housing for about 2 months and NOW we're in our own Hotel apartment! Which includes: a kitchen; that is not in a bathroom, two bathrooms and three large rooms and an amazing view of Pikes Peak.

Wheew! Makes me tired just writing all that. It has been such a hard and crazy year, but completely filled with Gods unending faithfulness.

When we moved in here though I cried and I cried (you're probably wondering why the heck I cry so much, well people, that is just me) and I couldn't figure out what my problem was until I had a little processing session with a close friend of mine. She started asking me how our new place was and guess what....I stared crying.....yea, what's new.

So I told her "I honestly don't know what's wrong with me" and she replied to me with all the grace and love a true friend can have " Well, saying yes to one thing is saying no to another."

It wasn't in that moment that the statement hit me, but it just kept rolling around in my head and then BAM, I got it.

Our life didn't really start here in the States till about two months ago. We were in limbo for almost a whole year, which we needed, but it kept culture shock and this huge move we've made at bay. But moving into this place felt like all the transition and limbo world came to an abrupt halt and we made a statement saying "We're staying!"

It just hit me, WE'RE STAYING. This is it, it's real, this is your home and you're gonna be here for a while. Maybe even a long while.

Saying yes to one thing is saying no to another.

We're saying yes to the States, we're saying yes to this base and we're saying no to going back to China.

The enormity of the commitment of staying isn't something we've faced for a while. Even through all of Lily's adoption we PRAYED we would be leaving. Everyone knew there was an end in sight. Here though I feel like God is asking us to put down roots. Roots to me translates-no end in sight.

I love it here. I love the people, the community and all that God is doing in unreached Nations through this base, but staying without an end in site scares the crap outta me.

I have always known I would go and our life has been such a whirlwind from the very beginning. There's always been moving in our future, I honestly don't know what the heck roots even looks like and quite frankly I'm scared of the word BOREDOM and monotony.

Our life has been kinda like a frantic rush from one thing or another. Very fast paced and that has made us who we are, but now things are changing and my heart knew that before my mind did.

God has a new plan of action for us, a new way of looking at life, a new way of living life.

God gave me a picture in church a couple weeks ago of the ground breaking open and one half of it shifting up. I saw myself climb up to the higher level of ground and I saw wide open space in every direction in front of me. God spoke to me about this being the next level that he's called us to.

We by God's mercy and grace have made it to the next level, but now it's a whole new ball game. Kinda like when you're playing a video game and you get to that next level and nothing is the same and you have to learn by repetition what this new level is about.

Monotony means, in part, repetition.

So this is a thing God is doing in us, but I also feel like this might really relate to some of you as well. The thing I feel God saying is that HE will equip us with the tools and resources to take on this new level. Whatever it is that you need from God in this next season why not ask him? He's doing a new thing and he wants you to know that he's got your back! You are not alone on this new plateau, but there is excitement and joy. Don't be afraid of what he's calling you to do, he will equip you.

So I'm stuck in bed with the flu, but it's kinda nice to have an excuse to stop, rest and process. So thanks for letting me do that. Let's go out like courageous warriors and conquer these new plateaus!

The Outpour

God has been POURING out on me in the last two months.

It has been such an out-pour that I can honestly say I don't know if I've ever experienced anything like it in my life.

He's speaking so clearly and then just in case my human weakness gets in the way and I doubt, he's been confirming his words. It has been MIND BLOWING.

He's giving me pictures and verses and physical things that I need and things that I WANT. My kids have been blessed, Matt has been blessed. It feels like anything that we come in contact with is a blessing.

It's craziness.

It's made me so aware of his goodness, but not just in what he's doing now, but what he did in our last season.

We walked through the hardest season of our lives the last 4 years. It was so painful.

He was there though and now that I'm here basking in his absolute abundance I can see all the amazing work that he did in that season.

I'm walking in a measure of faith that I've never walked in before because of the strength that I gained in that desert season and to top that off, there's been JOY.

Joy overflowing in every area. It's unbelievable!

Our Pastor in Rapid City gave me a word about this a couple months back. He said " You guys haven't walked in joy for a long time, but joy is coming. "

I honestly thought "Yea, I doubt that."

I was filled with cynicism.

But then the joy showed up and it's been such powerful stuff. It's bringing new life to things that were dead.

To put it simply; he's been blessing our brains out.

Today he spoke to me out of Jeremiah 31:3
 " I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt..."

God is doing some serious rebuilding in my heart. He's reworking the interior and he's painting all the walls yellow.

I can see so clearly now that everything we walked through in our last season has been made into beauty. It has become a crown on our heads.

Thinking of that season may always contain some pain, I don't know, but what I do know is that it was all worth it. Every. single. day.

The thing that God has been showing me is that he's there and he sees. He sees you and he's there. He sees you when it's all going your way and your basking in his glorious light and when laughter is flowing and the sun is shining and he's there. He also sees you when it feels like your walls are collapsing in on you and you can't get out of bed to face your life and he's there. He is building strength into you even in that very painful and dark place. Either way, he's sees you and he's there.

Today I see that he is our always present Father and I am so thankful that whether in good times or bad that he never lets go.

Dreaming a Heart Dream

I'm sitting here in my jammies and there are things I should be doing. Like going to the store to buy groceries or cleaning my very messy house.

I'm choosing not to do those things right now though because I have this thing on my heart and it's important.

Today my heart is overflowing with the goodness of God! That is part out of the kindness that he has lavished on me, but part of that is out of what I don't yet see, but claim in faith.

We had a night of women's ministry here last night.

 It was amazing.

One of the things that was talked about was how Satan comes after our hearts. The biggest way that he does that is laying a foundation of lies; little lies that go mostly unnoticed, but unchecked become giants.

Well one of my giant lies that I've listened to for years is "You're not capable".

This lie has come in many different forms sounding like "You could never do that!" "You're not smart." "You're not good enough." "So and so could do that so much better than you." And on and on it goes.

I can write all those things and see so clearly that they are lies, I know in my head what the truth is, but the enemy hasn't come against my mind; he's been coming for my heart.

Well for a couple years now I've been interested in midwifery and doula-ing....is there a real word for that? Doula-ing is gonna have to work for now. Please just smile and nod when I use this word.

I've struggled though with feeling that even though I would love to do those things I'm just not the right person for the job. I don't have the certain personality type that makes a good midwife or doula.

One of the things that was talked about at our woman's time was the things that we feel disqualify us from pursuing our dreams.

I've convinced myself that I'm disqualified because I'm not capable, because of my personality and because "I just don't have what it takes." Those are the lies I've bought into.

The truth is that midwifery and being a doula are in my HEART to do. It's a dream and here's where God's goodness come into play; there is doula training here next month.

Smile.

"God you're funny!"

I had no idea that they did anything of the sort here, but God's giving me an opportunity to step out and say "Satan you're a liar!" "I am capable!" "I can be the PERFECT person to help people in this way!" " I CAN do this!"

My Daddy SEES. He sees my heart and he satisfies my desires with GOOD things.

I would rather hide in a hole than do this doula training, but in his LOVE and CARE he is not content to leave my heart tangled in the lies. He calls me out. He's giving me an opportunity to step into the light and say "THIS IS WHO I AM!"

Honestly though, it's out of our reach financially. I don't say that in any way to get money from you, truthfully I don't, please don't feel any guilt to give. I only say that because I really believe that God wants me to do this training and I really believe by faith that he is going to completely cover the cost.

This is HIS goodness. If he asks me to do something that I can't afford it's his job to pay.

I am not a doula or a midwife, but what I am is CAPABLE IN HIM!

So some of the questions posed to us last night were: What fears do I need to face? What does it look like for me to come alive? What things are lying dormant in my heart? What are the lies that are holding you back?

I pose these questions to you because I know I'm not the only person who struggles with lies. I also know that God cares just as deeply about you coming fully alive as he does me. He is for us and he wants to see our deepest heart dreams come true. So I want to challenge you to take a minute and ask yourself these questions. You might be surprised what you find.

I'm believing for break through and freedom for me and for you to walk fully in who God has created us to be!

My Current Grace

If you haven't heard me say it before I am saying it now, I am not, by nature, a positive person. I am by nature a person who sees the glass half full.

What a pain, right?

Seeing life this way is not pleasant and even more, it's not Godly.

So because Jesus loves me so stinkin much he is not content to leave me in this unpleasant place. He is dead set on giving me another perspective.

I started following this blogger a couple years ago.  This woman had cancer, a husband and 4 beautiful children. She wrote about her journey with cancer; her journey through hell. Here's the thing though, she never once made it out to be hell, even though we all know that's what it was.

The two biggest things she talked about were grace and kindness.

Who talks about grace and kindness when you're going to die? She did and it was amazing, life changing even, to read her words.

Kara passed away a while back. A heart retching thing, even from afar, but she left her mark on anyone that had contact with her, even if it was only through a blog.

So in our current situation the highs are high and the lows are low and I often struggle with being taken over by it all. It feels silly saying that after talking about such a heroic woman, but that's just my reality, silly or not, so here's my goal: FIND THE GRACE.

It's there, every single day, no matter how wonderful or horrible the situation. The grace is there.

So I've been keeping my eyes open, seeking it out and purposefully looking for it.

Yesterday a piece of grace was my kids playing happily TOGETHER without fighting. Parents out there, you understand what a huge miracle this is, right? Then there were new friends that came to our door and hung out. Today the grace was sunshine and a new doughnut place. A few days ago the grace was seeing the sunrise and having people pray joy over me.

Every day the grace looks different. Every day we run the risk of missing it by focusing on the negatives in our lives. For example; my kitchen is a bathroom right now.....for reals. I could really make that into a huge thing and miss all the beauty that is in the situation. And when I say beauty what I mean is humor. Humor is beauty and we'll be getting a laugh out of this one for years to come.

The other day I was feeling so overwhelmed with life and I was thinking of all the things that are gonna happen in this next month. It felt like chaos and I was sobbing. Until God gave me this amazing revelation; there is no grace in the future.

It's so powerful I have to say it again; there is NO grace in the future. The grace we are given is CURRENT grace.

When I get sucked into all the overwhelming things of today or the overwhelming things of tomorrow, I am forfeiting grace because I'm not living in THE MOMENT!

And who can live without grace? No wonder I was overwhelmed and sobbing.

I need grace more than the very air I breath. I cannot come against any of the hard things in life without it, and neither can you.

So where is your grace today. Are you looking for it? I know I am. I am on the watch for where God is showing up in the little, but miraculous current grace. I refuse to be pulled into a place that is absent of God's grace. Let's live in the moment and watch for the grace and know that even in hard things God has always got our back.

Also if any of you are interested Kara has a blog called Mundane Faithfulness and a book called the Hardest Peace. The book and blog are both amazing! Check'em out. If you buy the book the money goes to her kids.

Our HOME!!

We've stepped into this new season of our adventure. God has called us to work with YWAM in Colorado Springs. So many people have asked us this week "So what are you guys gonna do here?"
Answer: I have no idea.
Ha!
Really though, we don't know what God has in mind for us or why he has led us here. It's just a walk of faith. Which really I love in the in-between moments of not feeling scared to death.

So the YWAM base here is a hotel. How awesome is that! I've always really loved hotels. Who doesn't like the feeling of being on vacation!?

Well now we will be experiencing that feeling 24-7 because we now call this hotel home!
It makes me smile SO big just saying that: HOME!!

Yep, we will be living in a suite of sorts. Two rooms combined will make up our home for the next little while. ( we may move into 3 rooms after a few months)

I am so beyond excited about this living situation. God providing us a place to live is AMAZING! We are rejoicing over that BIG TIME!

Really though I just love the story we're living.

Who gets to put their family of 7 in two rooms and call it fun!?? Not a lot of people and I think it is so awesome that someday we'll have these conversations with our kids about the time we lived in a hotel and enjoyed a permanent vacation!

Also our hotel home has a swimming pool and built in friends and neighbors. Need a cup of sugar? Just walk next door! Yea, I know, you're jealous. It is pretty stinkin awesome.

Since we've been here God has been BLOWING us away! Provision has just poured out! From new friends giving us furniture and offering to borrow us a few things, to finding a fridge for 75 bucks! We have been finding GREAT deals and I don't doubt for a minute that God has our backs.

The kids will even be going to school in our hotel and I get to be the kindergarten teacher two mornings a week. Watch out 5 year old children I'm gonna rock your world!!

God's goodness is surrounding us and carrying us day by day.

So we don't know what we're doing here and we have no plan, we're just following our Daddy. The thing is though that our God KNOWS! He knows why we're here, he knows what he wants to do with us and that means I don't have to worry! YIPEEE!!

I'm so encouraged by his faithfulness. So encouraged. He is faithful!

Thank you to everyone that has prayed for us or listened to us whine in this process of transition our lives have been in.

The whining and transition aren't over or gone. There will still be a lot of bumps ahead, the thought of what I'll do with the kids in the winter has crossed my mind a few times..... but right now I'm resting and praising and enjoying this home that I've been given.
THANK YOU GOD!!

Goodness!

Broken, desperate, weak, pathetic, lame, anxious, and scared to DEATH.
These are the words that describe me this week.

Don't those words just stir happy feelings within you!?

If I could do exactly what I feel in this moment I would be in the fetal position rocking myself.

Seriously.

It is real.

This week we found out that our potential housing was on the fritz.

My brother and his family moved back to their home; which we are currently residing in. "Sorry family, we're still here...." There's 7 of us and we're not quiet. You love us right??

My sister is getting married so everyone and their mom is coming to town. I know most of you can understand how the word wedding equals the word crazy.

Yep.

We have a family picture happening tomorrow in which we should all be wearing solid colors. I had a break down over this information and cried for an hour and I said to my sisters "Pictures are the devil; if you want a picture PAINT ONE!". I know. I am soooo nice!

Yes. It's been a looooowww place that I've been hanging out in.
And maybe that sounds funny or entertaining, but let me tell you it has been anything but.

I have been absolutely consumed with fear. Filled up and overflowing with FEAR. Not Jesus, or the Holy Spirit, but fear.

I texted a woman I consider a mentor and told her I was feeling heartbroken that we didn't have a place to live and that I was sick to death of transition and you know what she said to me???

"DON'T BE AFRAID!"

She just cut straight through all my emotional garbage and NAMED IT. I didn't say a thing about being afraid and I honestly was completely unaware at that point that I even was afraid.

All my anxiety, all my stress and all the other million yucky feelings I've been feeling all come straight down to that.

I'm scared.

Scared of what you might wonder?

Well I'm scared that I'm gonna eat myself to death because of all the stupid stress; there's that. (Emotional eating is also the devil)

 I'm mostly scared that we are going to live in a perpetual state of transition and that I won't survive.

I get pretty consumed with the idea that "I cannot do this". Do you ever say that? It's a favorite of mine. In times of great difficulty I scream at the top of my lungs "I CANNOT DO THIS!" When that happens Matt knows that things are really going well. God bless my husband.

I saw a book this week and the title was something like "Sayings for the Hard Times". Something like that, anyway, I flipped through it and on the page I stopped on, it said " You need to care more about God's glory than you do about your own relief" I pondered that a bit, and then I put the book down.

It's funny though how sometimes you can see something like that and it gets burned in your brain.
And I do mean burned. It would not leave. It was suck in my head. I honestly hate that book. Why did I ever pick it up. I would really like to unread that because I seriously value my comfort.

 This week I have not cared at all about God getting any glory out of our situation, all I want is RELIEF! Pure and simple relief. I've had it all summer and it's been beautiful and the minute it's taken I'm screaming for it back.

I have NO idea what our future holds. It all feels very vague and terrifying and I hate that, but God is still good. Even though I SUCK!! Seriously, I do, I really, really do. I have an ugly heart sometimes......most times, but even then, God is GOOD!

I know that saying is so cliche and it probably holds a lot of pain for some people. I know it did for me. For years when we were in China, stuck there waiting on Lily's adoption, I was so angry at God and I felt that he was anything but good. I felt so abandoned by Him. He saw where I was and He sent some awesome people to me.
Matt and I met with them for three days. We cried and talked and poured out our pain. Then God brought healing and opened my eyes to see how he had been with us through it all. My angry heart that was full of pain got softer that day and I saw his goodness again.

Today I'm writing to myself to remind my heart that he is GOOD and that it doesn't depend on me or how good I am or if I earn it. We love to earn it, don't we? My Daddy doesn't give me his goodness because I earn it, but he pours it out because he loves me. So I am claiming in faith that I am in waiting for the out pouring of his goodness!

 And the truth is I really cannot do it. I CANNOT DO IT! I have no power in this situation to make housing magically appear. I truly wish I did, but I don't. I know that God has lead us to this point and he has provided and I know he will continue to provide. So I'm gonna just sit and wait for his glory to fall and I might go insane before that happens, but that won't stop him from coming.