So people, I don't even want to know how long its been since I wrote last. Let's just say it's been a while. Life can get crazy and it got away from me, but honestly it's more than that.
Somehow I bought into silence.
I bought into the 'you have nothing to say' and 'you sound stupid' and 'you feel too much'.
All the lies silence loves to spread.
Silence spreads conformity and uses comparison to get you to listen. Silence loves perfection and tells you that anything less isn't worth bringing to the table.
I've been pretty wrapped up in silence. Wrapped up in the not good enoughs and the never gonna get theres.
I've felt His push though.
To not listen, to not agree, to keep writing. No matter how imperfect or messy it might be. To not care what anyone may say or think. To let go of silence and perfection and self-judgment.
And I wish I could say that I listened.
I've had times where I've been quick to hear and quick to obey, but not this time.
Agreeing with silence is easy. It requires no courage or strength.
I've hid because it's easy.
He did as he does.
I asked him "What are you trying to do?" and he said " I'm trying to get you to move."
I saw in my mind a picture of me glued to the ground like a heavy rock and I saw God trying to push me, but I refused to budge.
And that's where I've been.
Refusing to budge.
Too scared to fail, to not be enough, to look like an idiot,
But then I saw myself running, leaping, jumping and charging forward without fear.
And there it is. Again. A choice. I get to decide.
Deuteronomy 30:19 says "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!"
What is it that I want?
Is it to work with the one who writes destiny on my life or is it to go my own way and cower in fear?
Really the only thing that he requires from me is a "yes."
It doesn't have to be brave or bold or full of confidence. It just has to be said. Yes.
So tonight after months of refusing I say God forgive me. For my pride and fear and apathy. I say yes God. You know my heart. My yes is for you. Take it and make something beautiful.