Monday, February 29, 2016

He Doesn't Compare

I shared this week about the journey I am on to find emotional healing, but I am also pursuing physical healing.

It's hard for me to share that because I always compare my pain to others and often disqualify myself. I feel like I'm whining when I see people suffering from cancer or other debilitating illnesses.

Here's the thing though, life was NEVER meant to be compared!


God does not compare our journey to others. Our pain, our struggles, our dreams and visions; they are all our own. Each thing unique.

So I'm sharing from a place that is MY journey. Not to be compared.

I've struggled with joint problems since I became a CNA (certified nurses assistant) out of high school. I injured my shoulder lifting a man wrong. It was a significant injury that required physical therapy.

Well being the intelligent teenager I was, I stopped the PT after about a month. My shoulder has bothered me ever since.

Well after my second pregnancy I started running. I loved it! I was training for a half marathon in China with my sister-in-law when I tripped and fell and injured my knee.

It seemed like scrapes and bruises until I tried to run again.

No luck. It caused me too much pain.

I haven't been able to run since that fall.

Well my hips always bothered me when I ran, but when you run or exercise pain is kinda part of the gig, so I thought no big deal.

After we came back from China I started to have really bad hip pain on one side. It sucked to be in such constant pain.

We were in transition though and I didn't want to go to the effort of finding a doctor and then move and have to start all over again. So I waited.

When we got to the Springs I had to figure out what direction to go with my hip and getting the pain under control. I considered different options and talked to different people and finally decided to try the chiropractor.

The chiropractors I ended up going to did x-rays.

What they found was that my hips were 16mm. seperated. Meaning one was lower than the other and they were also tilting in different directions.

They gave me a game plan. I needed to wear a heel lift and I needed 6 months to a year of seeing them to try to correct this problem with my hips.

These chiropractors are Christians. Three amazing men that love Jesus. I love them and all the staff that work at this office, they are all wonderful people.

But I've been seeing them for 5 months and I haven't seen much of a difference in my pain.

Today I sat down with my Dr. and had a frank conversation. It went like this "This isn't working!"

He heard me out and was so kind and concerned telling me that this is not normal and that they want to do whatever they can to make this better. He took another x-ray. He told me that I probably have tendonitis or bursitis and that they're gonna figure out a different plan to help me get better.

Well I left feeling hopeful, but really at the same time I feel soo discouraged.

There is nothing like your body not working or causing you pain to make you turn to God and say "Really?" "Why?" or "Why don't you just fix this?!"

It's hard, frustrating and challenging to trust God when healing doesn't seem to be coming.

I'm 32 years old and a lot of times I feel like my body acts more like it's 80.

I don't know where this ends or if it ever ends outside of Heaven, but it's doing a good job of revealing my heart.

I'm sick of being in pain. It leaves me feeling so discouraged.

But I have to ask myself, does my Daddy care about me? Does he see me? Does he know me?

And sometimes I feel like the answer is NO. No he doesn't care, no he doesn't see, no he doesn't know, but those feelings are all big, fat, ugly lies.

The truth is that he hasn't left me. He does care, he does know, he does see.

And even though this may be a very small problem compared to the pain that many other people feel, he doesn't compare me or my pain to anyone else.

He sees me, he knows me and he cares and regardless of what the future holds he'll never leave me.

If you're the praying type, I would so appreciate any prayers that you send my way regarding this hip of mine.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Through the Muck and Mire

I've been pursuing healing.

I've known for many years that I needed to do this. 

When God brought us back from China one of the things he said to me was that it was going to be a time of healing. 

The thought of healing felt overwhelming and vague. 

I think the biggest thing I felt was "who can I trust with this?" 

There's a million counselors out there and a million different methods and thoughts on how it should be done. It felt so overwhelming. 

Thankfully this was something that God said was going to happen, so he was more concerned about making it happen than I was. 

Our first week in Colorado Springs we met an amazing couple that invited us to their church. We went and fell in love. Then there was a women's bible study I went to. I met a beautiful blonde there that said she wanted to hang out. While we were hanging out she shared about healing that she had found through the amazing woman that ran the bible study. 

Some people like to call these things coincidence. I call them divine intervention.

Another thing I had worried about was how I was going to afford this healing that I needed. Well as it turns out with this woman you paid what you could afford. 

It seemed clear that God was trying to show me something. 

It's funny though how much courage it takes to bite the bullet of healing. It took me about four months after knowing this information to make an appointment.

I think the hardest thing about walking towards healing is the fear that the pain will never go away. Wondering if it's all a waste to believe that the dead things inside of me could ever come back to life again.  

I don't need to go into details of what I've walked through. Most of us have walked through a lot of unbelievable things. Some of these things came from the choices that others made and some came from our own choices, but we've been hurt. And it turns out that the pain has become our norm. It's become like a heavy blanket wrapped around our shoulders. We've become used to the comfort of it, even if it hurts, it's familiar. 

It's not easy writing these things. It's a present vulnerability. I'm sure a lot of people would argue that it's way too personal to put out there for the whole world to know. That I'm oversharing. And maybe I am. 

But I think what I really want is for people to see YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Whatever personal struggle you are battling. We're all there. We're all trying to find our way through the muck and mire . 

This phrase is so profound for me because a couple Sundays ago I was at Church trying my best to worship when God gave me such a clear picture of him carrying me through a swamp, or in other words carrying me through the muck and mire.

 The verse that God has been speaking to me day and night is Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

I recently had a beautiful woman pray over me and the word she got for me was Fighter. I'm a fighter. I am not good at letting others fight for me, I'm not good at letting God fight for me. 

But I believe that is his very intention - to fight for me. To fight for my freedom, to fight for my joy, to fight for my destiny. 

Regardless of my feelings I believe that he will carry me through this swamp. He won't get tired and set me down half way through. 

Phil. 1:6 
"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his good work until it is finally finished on the day that Christ Jesus returns. 

So if you're on a similar journey, stop and ask him to pick you up and carry you through your own muck and mire. 

He will fight for you.