Dreaming a Heart Dream

I'm sitting here in my jammies and there are things I should be doing. Like going to the store to buy groceries or cleaning my very messy house.

I'm choosing not to do those things right now though because I have this thing on my heart and it's important.

Today my heart is overflowing with the goodness of God! That is part out of the kindness that he has lavished on me, but part of that is out of what I don't yet see, but claim in faith.

We had a night of women's ministry here last night.

 It was amazing.

One of the things that was talked about was how Satan comes after our hearts. The biggest way that he does that is laying a foundation of lies; little lies that go mostly unnoticed, but unchecked become giants.

Well one of my giant lies that I've listened to for years is "You're not capable".

This lie has come in many different forms sounding like "You could never do that!" "You're not smart." "You're not good enough." "So and so could do that so much better than you." And on and on it goes.

I can write all those things and see so clearly that they are lies, I know in my head what the truth is, but the enemy hasn't come against my mind; he's been coming for my heart.

Well for a couple years now I've been interested in midwifery and doula-ing....is there a real word for that? Doula-ing is gonna have to work for now. Please just smile and nod when I use this word.

I've struggled though with feeling that even though I would love to do those things I'm just not the right person for the job. I don't have the certain personality type that makes a good midwife or doula.

One of the things that was talked about at our woman's time was the things that we feel disqualify us from pursuing our dreams.

I've convinced myself that I'm disqualified because I'm not capable, because of my personality and because "I just don't have what it takes." Those are the lies I've bought into.

The truth is that midwifery and being a doula are in my HEART to do. It's a dream and here's where God's goodness come into play; there is doula training here next month.

Smile.

"God you're funny!"

I had no idea that they did anything of the sort here, but God's giving me an opportunity to step out and say "Satan you're a liar!" "I am capable!" "I can be the PERFECT person to help people in this way!" " I CAN do this!"

My Daddy SEES. He sees my heart and he satisfies my desires with GOOD things.

I would rather hide in a hole than do this doula training, but in his LOVE and CARE he is not content to leave my heart tangled in the lies. He calls me out. He's giving me an opportunity to step into the light and say "THIS IS WHO I AM!"

Honestly though, it's out of our reach financially. I don't say that in any way to get money from you, truthfully I don't, please don't feel any guilt to give. I only say that because I really believe that God wants me to do this training and I really believe by faith that he is going to completely cover the cost.

This is HIS goodness. If he asks me to do something that I can't afford it's his job to pay.

I am not a doula or a midwife, but what I am is CAPABLE IN HIM!

So some of the questions posed to us last night were: What fears do I need to face? What does it look like for me to come alive? What things are lying dormant in my heart? What are the lies that are holding you back?

I pose these questions to you because I know I'm not the only person who struggles with lies. I also know that God cares just as deeply about you coming fully alive as he does me. He is for us and he wants to see our deepest heart dreams come true. So I want to challenge you to take a minute and ask yourself these questions. You might be surprised what you find.

I'm believing for break through and freedom for me and for you to walk fully in who God has created us to be!

My Current Grace

If you haven't heard me say it before I am saying it now, I am not, by nature, a positive person. I am by nature a person who sees the glass half full.

What a pain, right?

Seeing life this way is not pleasant and even more, it's not Godly.

So because Jesus loves me so stinkin much he is not content to leave me in this unpleasant place. He is dead set on giving me another perspective.

I started following this blogger a couple years ago.  This woman had cancer, a husband and 4 beautiful children. She wrote about her journey with cancer; her journey through hell. Here's the thing though, she never once made it out to be hell, even though we all know that's what it was.

The two biggest things she talked about were grace and kindness.

Who talks about grace and kindness when you're going to die? She did and it was amazing, life changing even, to read her words.

Kara passed away a while back. A heart retching thing, even from afar, but she left her mark on anyone that had contact with her, even if it was only through a blog.

So in our current situation the highs are high and the lows are low and I often struggle with being taken over by it all. It feels silly saying that after talking about such a heroic woman, but that's just my reality, silly or not, so here's my goal: FIND THE GRACE.

It's there, every single day, no matter how wonderful or horrible the situation. The grace is there.

So I've been keeping my eyes open, seeking it out and purposefully looking for it.

Yesterday a piece of grace was my kids playing happily TOGETHER without fighting. Parents out there, you understand what a huge miracle this is, right? Then there were new friends that came to our door and hung out. Today the grace was sunshine and a new doughnut place. A few days ago the grace was seeing the sunrise and having people pray joy over me.

Every day the grace looks different. Every day we run the risk of missing it by focusing on the negatives in our lives. For example; my kitchen is a bathroom right now.....for reals. I could really make that into a huge thing and miss all the beauty that is in the situation. And when I say beauty what I mean is humor. Humor is beauty and we'll be getting a laugh out of this one for years to come.

The other day I was feeling so overwhelmed with life and I was thinking of all the things that are gonna happen in this next month. It felt like chaos and I was sobbing. Until God gave me this amazing revelation; there is no grace in the future.

It's so powerful I have to say it again; there is NO grace in the future. The grace we are given is CURRENT grace.

When I get sucked into all the overwhelming things of today or the overwhelming things of tomorrow, I am forfeiting grace because I'm not living in THE MOMENT!

And who can live without grace? No wonder I was overwhelmed and sobbing.

I need grace more than the very air I breath. I cannot come against any of the hard things in life without it, and neither can you.

So where is your grace today. Are you looking for it? I know I am. I am on the watch for where God is showing up in the little, but miraculous current grace. I refuse to be pulled into a place that is absent of God's grace. Let's live in the moment and watch for the grace and know that even in hard things God has always got our back.

Also if any of you are interested Kara has a blog called Mundane Faithfulness and a book called the Hardest Peace. The book and blog are both amazing! Check'em out. If you buy the book the money goes to her kids.

Our HOME!!

We've stepped into this new season of our adventure. God has called us to work with YWAM in Colorado Springs. So many people have asked us this week "So what are you guys gonna do here?"
Answer: I have no idea.
Ha!
Really though, we don't know what God has in mind for us or why he has led us here. It's just a walk of faith. Which really I love in the in-between moments of not feeling scared to death.

So the YWAM base here is a hotel. How awesome is that! I've always really loved hotels. Who doesn't like the feeling of being on vacation!?

Well now we will be experiencing that feeling 24-7 because we now call this hotel home!
It makes me smile SO big just saying that: HOME!!

Yep, we will be living in a suite of sorts. Two rooms combined will make up our home for the next little while. ( we may move into 3 rooms after a few months)

I am so beyond excited about this living situation. God providing us a place to live is AMAZING! We are rejoicing over that BIG TIME!

Really though I just love the story we're living.

Who gets to put their family of 7 in two rooms and call it fun!?? Not a lot of people and I think it is so awesome that someday we'll have these conversations with our kids about the time we lived in a hotel and enjoyed a permanent vacation!

Also our hotel home has a swimming pool and built in friends and neighbors. Need a cup of sugar? Just walk next door! Yea, I know, you're jealous. It is pretty stinkin awesome.

Since we've been here God has been BLOWING us away! Provision has just poured out! From new friends giving us furniture and offering to borrow us a few things, to finding a fridge for 75 bucks! We have been finding GREAT deals and I don't doubt for a minute that God has our backs.

The kids will even be going to school in our hotel and I get to be the kindergarten teacher two mornings a week. Watch out 5 year old children I'm gonna rock your world!!

God's goodness is surrounding us and carrying us day by day.

So we don't know what we're doing here and we have no plan, we're just following our Daddy. The thing is though that our God KNOWS! He knows why we're here, he knows what he wants to do with us and that means I don't have to worry! YIPEEE!!

I'm so encouraged by his faithfulness. So encouraged. He is faithful!

Thank you to everyone that has prayed for us or listened to us whine in this process of transition our lives have been in.

The whining and transition aren't over or gone. There will still be a lot of bumps ahead, the thought of what I'll do with the kids in the winter has crossed my mind a few times..... but right now I'm resting and praising and enjoying this home that I've been given.
THANK YOU GOD!!