Broken, desperate, weak, pathetic, lame, anxious, and scared to DEATH.
These are the words that describe me this week.
Don't those words just stir happy feelings within you!?
If I could do exactly what I feel in this moment I would be in the fetal position rocking myself.
It is real.
This week we found out that our potential housing was on the fritz.
My brother and his family moved back to their home; which we are currently residing in. "Sorry family, we're still here...." There's 7 of us and we're not quiet. You love us right??
My sister is getting married so everyone and their mom is coming to town. I know most of you can understand how the word wedding equals the word crazy.
We have a family picture happening tomorrow in which we should all be wearing solid colors. I had a break down over this information and cried for an hour and I said to my sisters "Pictures are the devil; if you want a picture PAINT ONE!". I know. I am soooo nice!
Yes. It's been a looooowww place that I've been hanging out in.
And maybe that sounds funny or entertaining, but let me tell you it has been anything but.
I have been absolutely consumed with fear. Filled up and overflowing with FEAR. Not Jesus, or the Holy Spirit, but fear.
I texted a woman I consider a mentor and told her I was feeling heartbroken that we didn't have a place to live and that I was sick to death of transition and you know what she said to me???
"DON'T BE AFRAID!"
She just cut straight through all my emotional garbage and NAMED IT. I didn't say a thing about being afraid and I honestly was completely unaware at that point that I even was afraid.
All my anxiety, all my stress and all the other million yucky feelings I've been feeling all come straight down to that.
Scared of what you might wonder?
Well I'm scared that I'm gonna eat myself to death because of all the stupid stress; there's that. (Emotional eating is also the devil)
I'm mostly scared that we are going to live in a perpetual state of transition and that I won't survive.
I get pretty consumed with the idea that "I cannot do this". Do you ever say that? It's a favorite of mine. In times of great difficulty I scream at the top of my lungs "I CANNOT DO THIS!" When that happens Matt knows that things are really going well. God bless my husband.
I saw a book this week and the title was something like "Sayings for the Hard Times". Something like that, anyway, I flipped through it and on the page I stopped on, it said " You need to care more about God's glory than you do about your own relief" I pondered that a bit, and then I put the book down.
It's funny though how sometimes you can see something like that and it gets burned in your brain.
And I do mean burned. It would not leave. It was suck in my head. I honestly hate that book. Why did I ever pick it up. I would really like to unread that because I seriously value my comfort.
This week I have not cared at all about God getting any glory out of our situation, all I want is RELIEF! Pure and simple relief. I've had it all summer and it's been beautiful and the minute it's taken I'm screaming for it back.
I have NO idea what our future holds. It all feels very vague and terrifying and I hate that, but God is still good. Even though I SUCK!! Seriously, I do, I really, really do. I have an ugly heart sometimes......most times, but even then, God is GOOD!
I know that saying is so cliche and it probably holds a lot of pain for some people. I know it did for me. For years when we were in China, stuck there waiting on Lily's adoption, I was so angry at God and I felt that he was anything but good. I felt so abandoned by Him. He saw where I was and He sent some awesome people to me.
Matt and I met with them for three days. We cried and talked and poured out our pain. Then God brought healing and opened my eyes to see how he had been with us through it all. My angry heart that was full of pain got softer that day and I saw his goodness again.
Today I'm writing to myself to remind my heart that he is GOOD and that it doesn't depend on me or how good I am or if I earn it. We love to earn it, don't we? My Daddy doesn't give me his goodness because I earn it, but he pours it out because he loves me. So I am claiming in faith that I am in waiting for the out pouring of his goodness!
And the truth is I really cannot do it. I CANNOT DO IT! I have no power in this situation to make housing magically appear. I truly wish I did, but I don't. I know that God has lead us to this point and he has provided and I know he will continue to provide. So I'm gonna just sit and wait for his glory to fall and I might go insane before that happens, but that won't stop him from coming.