So in my 'about me' section I happened to mention believing in living a life of radical faith. Someone please tell me why I felt so inclined to make such proclamation? Living a life of radical faith....wow, I was just really going for it, wasn't I?
Here's the truth, I do not, nor will I ever have what it takes to live a life of radical faith. Fact. I am the biggest chicken, control freak, want my ducks in a row girl you will ever meet and yet...I'm never satisfied with that. So I go around yelling things at God like "I surrender all", but then when God takes me at my word and starts asking me to do the things I said I wanted to do, I get SO FRUSTRATED. I start grumbling, "God don't you love me, don't you see the stress I'm under here??"
Radical faith is this awesome idea, but is very inconvenient and extremely uncomfortable. This is the wonderful place that I find myself now. In an inconvenient and uncomfortable situation and the truth is I would really like to recant my words. "God you must have heard me wrong, when I said radical faith what I meant was a FUN 'faith' EXPERIENCE that works out quickly and efficiently".
Working out our faith with fear and trembling is no joke. I want faith to be this feel good situation that makes me feel happy and makes me look good. Gosh, why can't it be like that? Because honestly I don't feel happy, I feel sick to my stomach wondering how the heck all these impossible situations are going to work out.
What are we going to do, where are we going to live, what are we going to do with the kids schooling, just a few of the things that rack my brain daily. And God is showing up, He just sent me to California for an amazing, refreshing vacay. He's provided us a house to live in for the summer. He's provided for us financially, but all I can think is " but what about after the summer God, what then?". His GOODNESS has been flowing over us like a waterfall and yet my heart still fails to trust. My anxiety level is at heart attack level.
So that's my radical faith for you and here's the truth; I can't get there on my own, I can't make my faith grow beyond this flimsy place; that's Gods job. My job is just to keep saying yes. Even when I don't feel it, even when the reality is that my 'radical faith' isn't anything to write home about. So that's what's on my heart today. If you're a praying person and you're reading this, please pray for me, pray for our family. We need our faith to increase. If you're in the same place as me, I'd love to pray for you. You can leave a comment or message me on fb. Love to all you beautiful people and thanks for hearing my heart.